Incongruity

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What I Want To Accomplish Tonight:

1. Finish weekly course reading

2. Begin rough draft of weekly response paper

3. Bake muffins

4. Finish the laundry

5. Wash/prep veggies for the rest of the week

6. Send important emails

7. Defrost and marinate chicken wings

8. Wash the dishes

9. Quick tidy of the condo

10. Evening swim

11. Reading in bed for a bit to wind down before drifting into a peaceful and refreshing slumber

 

What I Will Actually Accomplish Tonight:

1. Fatigue denial

2. Reclining on the couch

3. Convincing myself I am only resting for a few more minutes

4. Reading the same sentence over and over again… (that counts as doing coursework, right?!)

5. I refuse to have a nap.

6. Thinking about getting up to put on another load of laundry

7. Why is the kitchen so far away?

8. Defrosting the chicken in the fridge (marinades are overrated)

9. Deciding not to go to bed early because that will only lead to insomnia (true story)

10. Still not napping – my eyelids are this droopy all the time, I assure you

11. Finally admitting defeat around midnight and making an epic To Do List for tomorrow, then crawling exhausted into bed

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Real life, y’all. #FatigueStruggles #NotEnoughSpoons

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Closed Today for Temple Maintenance

Today was supposed to be a Super Productive, Get Ready For Next Week, Do All The Things kind of day. I woke up after sleeping quite well, thinking, “Ok, let’s do this!” and then was promptly and unceremoniously smothered in a blanket of fatigue. I get these days, sometimes. For me it’s just the way things are, a part of life.

[For the record, though, struggling with fatigue really sucks. You know you should have energy, having just slept for eight hours, eaten a balanced breakfast, and given yourself time to ease into the day (or, alternatively, jumped into the day right away in a vain attempt to jump-start your body). But you don’t, or, as Michael Scott would say, should, maybe, but shornt.

Sometimes this feels like someone is sucking away all my energy, or like I’m being crushed under the weight of fatigue and barely have enough energy to hold up my head (these are definitely the worst days and unfortunately this is not a hyperbolic description, but thankfully this hasn’t happened recently), or like today, where fatigue feels like a fog or a wet blanket that’s enveloping me. Can’t quite seem to outrun or escape the fog, can’t quite get my arms free to disentangle myself from the blanket.]

So, today will probably not be a Super Productive Day after all. Whenever I decide not to go into full-on battle against my fatigue, guilt is often not far behind. Saturdays are not supposed to be a day off for me. (As a rule, I rest on Mondays to recover from the weekend, which I always find exhausting.) This was not the plan for today, and there is (as always) work to be done! Shouldn’t I be fighting harder? Aren’t I just being lazy? Isn’t this just an excuse to take it easy?

But, today I was reminded that we are called to work according to the strength God provides. And that I have to measure myself according to the way God has made me, with all my weaknesses and physical limitations, and not in comparison to anyone else. Tomorrow will be another busy day and I need to prepare for that by, as a friend once put it, “taking care of the temple!”

So, today I’m doing just that. I will do what I can, with the strength I’ve been given, and apart from that I will rest. It may seem counter-intuitive, but this is also a way to honour God with my body, by respecting the way He has made it, by embracing the reality of what is/is not reasonable or healthy for me, by doing less of what is less important (deep-cleaning my house) so I can do more of what is more important (spending time worshipping and serving God tomorrow, through fellowship with my church family).

Today will be a productive day after all, then – because productivity doesn’t always look like ticking items off a list, flurried activity, and doing All The Things. Sometimes, productivity looks like inactivity, just being, resting, doing only a little, and maintaining the temple.